i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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