im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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