I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
