please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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