i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Randomize
