this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
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