I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
