i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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