I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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