I think im going to throw up on grandma
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
