Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
