Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
