he puts the penis in happiness.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I deserve this hangover.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
