I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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