hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
