my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Randomize
