hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
