I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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