every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
