I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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