So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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