She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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