do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
