Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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