3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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