A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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