if you like me you must not know who I am
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
