Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
