I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
