I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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