There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
