the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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