I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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