my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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