i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
