I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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