Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
