i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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