Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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