I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
