someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
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Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
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WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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