i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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