Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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