well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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