I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
