I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
