They should really pass out barf bags in church
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
