The best revenge is premature balding
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
