its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
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He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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