WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
