I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
