So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
