70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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