I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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